Judy Gross Mindful Meditation

It’s been a provoking summer for me in terms of a couple of close relationships. Why can’t he come up with an idea for dinner? Why can’t she stop unloading the dishwasher while talking to me on the phone?

I get offended when others cannot intuit what I’m wanting. Another way of saying that is I walk around with a lens on my forehead projecting my idea of a perfect husband, a perfect girlfriend, etc. only to see that invariably, these characters disappoint me. Like they don’t know their lines in my movie.

Susan Piver, in the September 2011 Shambala Sun, writes about the components of a successful relationship in her article “Six Ways to Make It Work”.  The two that caught my eye were generosity and discipline. Generosity is about opening to loved ones as they are, instead of constantly comparing them to the ideals we have scripted in our heads. The reality is that some people are so busy that in their world, phone time = unload-the-dishwasher time.

Discipline is to look beyond the perceived shortfalls and continually take the “largest view possible” of the relationship, over and over. It’s like a headache, which can be all-consuming. Widening the lens of awareness beyond the headache, I see that the sky is blue, there’s food in the refrigerator, and the world hasn’t missed a beat because of my headache. The truth is that the goodness of my husband far outweighs his ability to plan an evening meal.

Jon Kabat-Zinn frequently says “there is a lot more right with you than is wrong with you.” The discipline of restraining the criticism muscle and exercising the “big picture” muscle is healthy and skillful.

Opening to what is without wishing it were more like the perfect movie we have running in our heads. Being willing to let our scripts go and to remember the amazing goodness that’s all around. Whew. Breath moving in, breath moving out.

A friend served this to me the other day and I haven’t been able to stop making and eating it! The original version of this recipe appeared in Gourmet Magazine.

Kale and Ricotta Salad
1 bunch kale
1 big shallot, chopped fine
2 Tablespoons lemon juice
Salt and pepper
1/3 cup of olive oil or more
1 cup ricotta salata or feta, coarsely shredded (I use feta.)
optional: dried cranberries, chopped walnuts or pine nuts

Directions:
1. Trim the leaves of the kale above where the stems become thick. Stack the leaves in a pile, roll them like a cigar, and slice it thin crosswise.
2. Whisk together the shallot, lemon juice, salt/pepper and oil. Go light on the salt until you taste the salad. (The cheese can be salty). Taste and add more oil if you like.
3. Toss the dressing with the kale and ricotta salata, taste and adjust seasoning, and serve.

Note: This is one of the few green salads I know that holds up well in the fridge. It’s great the next day, too. Serves 4.

SEEING OURSELVES CLEARLY

“When we begin to see clearly what we do, how we get hooked and swept away by old habits, our usual tendency is to use that as a reason to get discouraged, a reason to feel really bad about ourselves. Instead, we could realize how remarkable it is that we actually have the capacity to see ourselves honestly, and that doing this takes courage. It is moving in the direction of seeing our life as a teacher rather than as a burden. This involves, fundamentally, learning to stay present, but learning to stay with a sense of humor, learning to stay with loving-kindness toward ourselves and with the outer situation, learning to take joy in the magic ingredient of honest self-reflection.”
Pema Chodron

Several of you know about Insight Meditation Society in Barre, MA. April 29-May 8 was their annual 9-day monastic retreat, and a wonderful one it was. The lead teaching monk, Ajahn Succitto, was an amazing teacher–funny, kind, sensitive, very wise and very in touch with the trials and tribulations of every day life. He’s taken a number of foot journeys (tests of faith) across England, parts of India and elsewhere carrying only a small pack and his alms bowl (monks don’t carry money). Relying on the kindness of strangers to feed him is part of his daily routine, and it made our 2 meal-a-day retreat seem like a walk in the park.

This was a carefully led, fully supported, intense retreat during which time I became keenly aware of the value of restraints (no speaking, reading, writing, etc.) in building concentration muscles. For the first time ever, I could see my thoughts slowing down to the point where there was even space between them. In that space we get a chance to redirect unwise thoughts and impulses, and that translated a couple of times during the week into actual changes in habitual behavior for me, at least that one time. It is such an incredible chance to see our conditioned habits, both thinking and otherwise, and to realize that they do not have to rule. Even just to see them, to know them, is really enough. The teaching nun talked about retreats being a way to “empty out the trash” and that’s how it felt–letting go of extraneous thinking, or if it didn’t want to leave, at least not feeding into it.

A couple of key learnings that I brought home:

* It’s okay. That’s the kind of response we want to be able to have when any kind of situation arises. It’s okay. Even if things seem to be falling apart, it is okay. (And usually it really is, isn’t it?) Equanimity.
* Be heedful, if nothing else. Yes, even if we can’t control what’s happening, at least we can pay attention to it. And to feel how our body receives it…the theme of the retreat was “holistic” awareness and it emphasized how tied together the body and mind are. When the body is relaxed, it’s really hard to get angry and when the mind is agitated, it’s really hard to settle the body. So we work to stay in touch with and synchronize both of them.
* Soften. Widen. Perspective is everything. When I have a headache, can I soften my resistance against it and expand my perspective to also note that the sun is shining and the sky is blue? It’s easy to get caught in the “selfing” and yet to open up a bit can bring an awareness of all that is going well in the moment.
* Pause. This was probably my favorite lesson, as Ajahn Succitto modeled it so well. He considered every transition a chance to pause, check in with the body, look around, and then move on. He wakes up early in the morning to reflect on the day before charging into it, even before sitting on his meditation cushion. Both at the beginning and end of a sit he will pause to let the body and mind come together for the activity. He pauses before a meal to appreciate its origins, those who prepared it, the body that it will nourish, etc. And at the end of the day, building in time to look back at what has transpired.
* Good enough. We can drive ourselves crazy with trying to be perfect, to deliver the perfect product, to the be an ideal family member, etc. “As best one can” is enough. Often times I notice that extra effort on my part is not needed, nor necessary. That’s a question I’ve been asking myself this week “is this really necessary?” It’s not about shirking, it’s about doing what is called for and nothing more. Energy conservation. Wise action. Stewardship of our own resources, body, mind and spirit.

I have always maintained that silent retreats, away from home, are opportunities to learn about oneself in ways that could never happen in situ. We see our thoughts and behaviors in high relief, absent spoken word, family members, normal routines. So “our stuff” gets really loud–there’s really no way of avoiding it. And THAT’s how motivation for deconditioning arises. I want to be more skillful in how I move through life. Unless I can clearly identify unskillful areas that will never happen. And that’s why I do this stuff. Period. Amen and amen.

Jon Kabat-Zinn tells the story of going into a conference room of business executives to do some teaching about mindfulness. He informed them that there would be no agenda, and several of them began to weep. The prospect of simply being, rather than doing, was a profound experience for them.

Wanna practice? Try this.

(Thanks, Sudhir.)

Those words were one of the themes of a recent retreat. The teacher, while driving to the retreat site, was struck by the feelings of sadness at having to leave her elderly mother at home. Her elderly mother who was recovering from a serious illness. As you can imagine, all kinds of thoughts can come up at a time like that: unhappiness, regret, guilt, responsibility, etc. Even though she had made extensive arrangements to have her mother well-cared for by family members through the weekend, it still felt uncomfortable. She found herself placing her hand on her chest and repeating to herself “I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t do anything wrong.”

And that’s the truth. She DIDN’T do anything wrong. Everything had been taken care of at home, and she planned to check in by phone several times throughout the weekend. Nothing was wrong.

How often do we cause our own suffering by applying unfounded feelings of blame or guilt to our actions? How often do we allow our really high, maybe unattainable standards as caregivers or spouses or mothers or colleagues trigger a feeling of unworthiness inside?

Why do we spend a lifetime trying to “get it right” when we already are doing fine? How can we interrupt the voice that says “not enough?”

This past week I have been particularly aware of the reactionary self-blame, and as often as possible, have placed my hand on my heart and recited “I didn’t do anything wrong.” Immediately I have felt better hearing this truth spoken aloud. And apparently touching one’s heart releases biochemicals that soothe.

Another antidote to that feeling of unease (read “funk”) is a simple gratitude practice. I write a list of what’s going right in the moment, or what I am grateful for, in an e-mail and send it to my gratitude partner. She replies with a list of her own, and in reading that, invariably my spirits lift. There is ALWAYS something going right, there is always something to be grateful for.

To Sylvia Boorstein’s List of Three Ways to Unstir the Mind:
1) let go of the insistence that things be otherwise;
2) realize that we cannot know how things will unfold;
3) realize that it is not my universe to control

I humbly add:
4) realize it’s often accurate that nothing is really wrong in the moment.

A friend just mailed me this powerful video which is less than two minutes long. It shows how reframing a situation can dramatically improve the outcome, or results. It makes me wonder about the limitations I unconsciously place on myself by looking at things the same way. For example, right now it is raining hard and my inner commentator is saying saying “drat, there’s no chance to get outside for a walk today, it’s too wet.” And yet, I know that it certainly is possible to walk in the rain. It’s equally possible to pick up the hand weight that I have sitting right here on my desk and give myself a different kind, but equally important bone strengthening workout.

Is there a way to be aware of when we slip into an “all or nothing” mode instead of looking at the possibilities that are always available?

From The How of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirsky, a list of behaviors that cultivate happiness:
1. Count your blessings. Express gratitude for what you have both privately and to others.
2. Cultivate optimism. Practice seeing the bright side of everything.
3. Avoid over-thinking and social comparison. Don’t dwell on problems.
4. Practice kindness. Do good things for others.
5. Nurture social relationships. Invest time and energy in a relationship that needs strengthening.
6. Develop coping strategies. Practice healthy ways to manage stress and hardships.
7. Learn to forgive. Let go of anger and resentment.
8. Increase flow experiences—find activities that complete absorb, challenge, and reward you.
9. Savor (and replay) life’s joys. Pay attention to momentary pleasures.
10. Commit to your goals. Pick one or more significant goals and pursue them.
11. Practice spirituality. Get involved with your church, temple, mosque or spiritual community. Find inspirational books/readings/daily devotionals.
12. Take care of your body. Exercise, meditate and laugh.

To hear a really FUN song that contains all 12 of these ideas, click here!